Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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