I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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