When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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