hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
