if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
