Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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