I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
