Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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