my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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