Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Is Oprah even human
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
