That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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