Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
