tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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