we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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