yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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