I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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