Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
