can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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