I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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