Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dick very happy bro
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i out mim tonsoeep
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