You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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