please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm both gender and math confused
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
