i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
