Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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