Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
