I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
