How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
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After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
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2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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