Pappa wants mamma naked
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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