why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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