OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
