some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Come see our sink grown plant.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
