I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
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