Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
