Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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