Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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