Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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