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u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
His hands were made for my vagina.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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