you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.