dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my being single is dangerous.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping