She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
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We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
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My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.