Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
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You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
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Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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