He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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