Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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