Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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