God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
