Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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