Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
