dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
