I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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