I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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