Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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