Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
