i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
