Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
