in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
